40 Funny Quotes and Thoughts

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

 

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

 

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

 

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

 

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

 

"Love is so confusing -  you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!"
 
"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

 

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

 

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

 

"When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum."

 

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. "

 

"It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week."

 

"Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment."

 

"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer."

 

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."

 

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order"

 

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

 

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

 

"Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet."

 

"When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here?"

 

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

 

"There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side."

 

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

 

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. "

 

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

 

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. "

 

"We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse."

 

"It's always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. "

 

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

 

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

 

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "

 

"If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?"

 

"You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? "

 

"Honesty may be the best policy,  but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

 

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."

 

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of  what I am saying."

 

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."