Software Engineer And His Wife

 


Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

Extra Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Wishful Thinking

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so she never had a boyfriend.

So she went to a psychic for help.



Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.

But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at

your feet.



Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she

thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins"

She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well,

and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings.

Feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and

said:

"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!,... ONE AT A TIME!"

Chinese Call Centre (Funny)


Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to
me.. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But
what's this urgent matter
about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident.
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't
an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for
this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh .....God.... ...

Extra Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

3 Newly Married Daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would
get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after
the wedding.

The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee, 475g It said: "Good till
the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

 

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack:

"Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy
for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in
Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another
week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with
shaky handwriting were the
words "Air Pacific"

Mom took out her latest Fiji Living magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for AP.
The ad said:

"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


Mom fainted!.

Hot Boobs for Hot People - Can you Live without seeing

 
Hot Boobs for Hot People - Can you Live without seeing
 
 
 

Tips to lure a woman


Finding it hard to land a date? Well, Sydney writer Sam de Brito's new book, 'Building a Better Bloke' might just help.
Tips to lure a woman
 


Brito has admitted that he has had his share of dud dates - partly because his past approach to dating involved getting drunk. But now, he has made a few adjustments when it comes to luring the opposite sex. And he has urged other men to do the same in his new book.

"I'm not trying to teach men how to be a pick-up artist or a stud, I want to show men how to build self-esteem, build a life for themselves - which in turn will attract women," the Courier Mail quoted Brito, as saying.

According to the 39-year-old, his generation has lost the art of communicating with women. "Guys have fallen through the cracks. We like to think of men as bold and confident and a lot of them aren't," he said.

He said that for some, the biggest fear in life is approaching and striking up a conversation with a woman. In this case, he has suggested practice and a sense of humour is the key. The catch phrase of his book is: "Find a life and you'll find love". "The biggest thing is not to look cool, but to have a life with lots of interests. Get involved in your life, look after yourself, and you're primed to meet someone," he said.

He said that good manners and keeping clean are also important. "Be a gentleman. Respect yourself. Even if you're funny and charming, you're not going to get far with a woman if you smell," he said.

Besides clean sheets and clean fingernails, Building a Better Bloke also reminds men of the simple things, like holding a door open for women.

So, the ten tips to lure a woman are:

Stay healthy
Don't abuse alcohol or drugs
Have a job that means something to you
Be busy with your own activities
Be well groomed and clean
Have a sense of humour
Talk to women as individuals, not as a gender
Be a gentleman
Don't mix with loser friends.
Have a clean bedroom, clean sheets - and a lamp to create romantic lighting Source:timesofindia.indiatimes.com


Spicier vacation sex



Want to pep up your love life? Well, then all you need to do is plan a 'vacation' sex with your partner, for it can do wonders for your heart,
vacation sex
 
mind, and soul, according to a new research.


Sex on a holiday allows you to get away from pressures, distractions, worries and responsibilities — basically, any of those libido-killers that affect your love life most days of the year, reports the Daily Telegraph

While on vacation, you can totally devote yourself to nurturing your sexual needs and desires — and to attending to those of your lover.

This is one of the reasons the vast majority of American marriage counsellors recommend a regular weekend away as the one thing that can help a marriage, especially a struggling one.

Vacation is the best place to get 'sexperimental'. People love having sex in new places. This is in large part because of the neurotransmitter dopamine.

When people have new experiences, dopamine spikes in the brain, triggering lust. And with that, many are willing to try something new and exciting.

In a new, romantic, or exotic place, lovers can rediscover one another. In trying different restaurants or embarking on a variety of nightlife activities, every evening that you're away feels like a date night, each with its own distinct backdrop.

All of this enhances lovers' moods, helping them to feel better about one another and more connected.

When you make the time for nothing but loving, that's hopefully what you're going to get – and lots of it.

Sex will breed the desire for more sex, making both partners feel better about their sex life and the relationship.

This is both for couples already content with their sex life and those hoping their vacation will make for some romance repair.
Source:timesofindia.indiatimes.com

Bedroom blunders


When you're in bed with your lover, the last thing you want to do is turn them off. That said, here are a few common blunders that you should not commit...

1. Not kissing
Believe it or not, many people (and this includes women) don't kiss their partner when they're having sex. Why? Perhaps because the positioning doesn't allow for it or they are too eager to climax and feel that it might break the rhythm.

Nevertheless, it is highly recommended that you make an effort to kiss your partner during the act - it will only add to the experience.

2. Biting before your partner's ready
While many people enjoy an aggressive partner, biting any part of their body before they are aroused may lead to pain and discomfort (and might even lessen the chances of any further action ) or simply scare them off.

So make sure your partner is fully excited before you bite their ear, shoulders, neck or any other part of their body.

3. Ignoring everything but sexualised parts
Genitals are great, no doubt, but you should definitely pay attention to other parts of your lover's body and focus for some time on their entire body - knees, wrists, back and stomach are highly erogenous zones for men as well as women.

Gently caressing these areas will help excite your partner further; in turn, increasing the chances of them pleasuring you back.

4. Putting your weight on your partner
Even if you're a girl! It's okay to lose yourself in the moment every once in a while and go crazy on your lover. But when you're lying on top of them, you have to be careful not to drop your weight on them.

Chocking them or hindering their ability to breathe will anyway kill the moment and any chances of some good action.

5. Climaxing too soon/too late
This one is especially for men. You need to have good control on your muscles to ensure that you can ejaculate at an appropriate time. Too soon and you may leave your partner unsatisfied; too late and it might leave your partner feeling as if they're pumping iron at the gym.

To avoid this, spend a lot more time on foreplay (this will help men as well as women). If you take too long and can only ejaculate via manual stimulation, do your best to get your partner to orgasm and then they can return you the favour.

6. Not warning your partner before you climax
If you're going to let go - and this applies even to women - whether during oral sex or intercourse, you need to tell your partner beforehand. Something as simple as "I'm going to let go," will suffice. Your partner deserves to know.

7. Treating sex like porn
Although some couples enjoy having raunchy sex, you'd be wise to talk to your partner before you engage in such behaviour. If you begin being nasty with your lover without knowing if they like it first, chances are the scenario won't end on a happy note.

8. Staying quiet
Do you like to hear it when your partner is having a good time? So pay them the same respect and speak up when you're enjoying yourself.

Something as simple as a little moan, or even saying something like, "that feels so good," will encourage them and educate them further on your moan zones.

9. Mechanical act
It may feel comfortable to you to pump away like you do at the gym, but you'll quickly discover that most people don't enjoy such an act. Mix it up a little bit; go fast at times, then slowly. Be creative and you'll find yourself enjoying some variation too.
Source:timesofindia.indiatimes.com


Vastushastra for Loveshastra !


Mahima is head over heels in love with Manav. Right from their compatibility quotient to a rocking sex life, everything was as good as a fairy tale
Couple in bedroom

 
till they shifted into their new home, only to realise that their enviable chemistry was gradually losing its fizz.


In the serene ambience of their new habitat, the once compatible twosome found their mushy pillow talks and heightened sexual escapades being replaced with a grave like stillness. They finally consulted Vastu experts who pointed out that love nest wasn't an ideal comfort zone for them as per the laws of Vastushastra .

Enjoying a satisfying relationship (mentally and sexually) involves far more than a great sexual prowess and understanding between the partners. Even external factors, including your home, have the potency to create unnecessary chaos in your love life, irrespective of your compatibility quotient.

So here we explore Vastushastra , the magical science of interiors, to make your bedroom conducive for a physically, mentally and most importantly sexually gratifying life.

Expert speak: Vikram, a Vastu consultant, puts forward the significance of embracing Vastu in one's bedroom. Directions play a major role in creating an aura of passion, tranquility and rest, which are very important for your love life to go smoothly. With a few minor changes in your bedroom's decor, a couple can perfectly harmonise the universal life force and promote the flow of warm and sensual energies. The changes would depend on the favourable and unfavourable directions and the elements related to them.

Another Vastu consultant, Dr. Puneet Sharma, elucidates on the various aspects of our personal lives that can be greatly improved by Vastu , which is a science that reforms the external influences to bring a positive change in a person's life, including his relationship with the spouse, power of conception and even progeny. It also facilitates a healthy, calm and relaxed state of mind. For example, even Hindu religious scriptures consider the North-easterly direction as unsuitable for conception. Communion in this direction can result in anything from a miscarriage to a mentally retarded or a physically unfit off spring as opposed to the South-west direction which is ideal for conception.

Besides experimenting with the bedroom's direction, Vastushastra also heralds the importance of creating a constant aura of peace and tranquility at a holistic level. Rakesh Chawla from the Institute of Vastukala explains, "The bedroom is linked with the intimacy of a loving relationship. A cluttered bedroom increases the probability of you and your partner being exhausted most of the time, leaving no time for a sensual union. If you do not keep it clean at both visible and invisible levels, then you will feel that you are getting churlish and loosing sleep"

Interestingly, not just its directions, but also the decorative items placed in the bedroom, including artifacts, paintings, mirrors, statues etc. have a direct bearing on your life. For example, an aromatic candle kept in the South-east direction adds to the excitement level. On the same lines, the incorrect placement of a mirror in the bedroom induces the feeling of infidelity in either of the two partners. Similarly, a couple of love birds or doves on the bed rest inculcate feelings of togetherness.
If the above mentioned gyaan has set you revamping your bedroom, here are some quick tips:
Direction wise:
House: The North-East, North, South-West and South are the best directions for a house to be located at to ensure compatibility between couples as all kinds of positive energies rest here.

Bedroom: A bedroom located in the South-West direction of the home is considered the best, as it is the direction of the Earth element, which promotes love and bonding. Also, due to the fact that the Sun sets in this direction, it ensures sound sleep. A bedroom should always be in a square or rectangular shape and its Eastern corner should be kept clutter free and open.

Avoidables: South-East is an absolute no-no as it can lead to friction, fights and even impotency in the partner. The North-East is a high-energy direction, due to the presence of the fire element making it an ideal place for spiritual activities. Leading a marital life in God's abode is considered as an offence. The North West direction is the zone of the vayu (air) element, which can promote confusion, double mindedness and even an extra-marital affair in some cases.

Bed: The ideal place for the bed is the South-West direction of your bedroom. It is advised to have a wall behind the head rest, rather than an open window as it interrupts sound sleep while a steady wall promotes a sense of security. Avoid placing your bed between two doors as it can lead to restlessness in your lives.

Communion: The North-East direction is not at all suitable for conception, while the South-West direction is considered to be the best.

Decor wise:
Lighting: Lights play an important role in influencing your mood and thereby affecting your sex life. So, avoid any kinds of glaring lights in the bedroom as it can act as an irritant. Arrange for some soothing light fixtures to create a warm atmosphere.

Colours: Yes, red is the colour of passion and love, hence, it as an ideal hue to be incorporated in your bedroom. But, to a certain extent, too much of red can enforce irritability and anger between the partners. The walls can be painted in light hues, though the ideal combination for a bedroom is a green base with a turquoise tinge, which can be brought in by having your upholstery in that particular shade.

The stability of blue, the energy of red comes together in purple, which is the colour of emotion. Use this colour if you are looking forward to a long lasting and highly satiating love making session. Also, the bed sheets and bedcovers can be in blue as it is the colour of Venus, the God of love. Avoid black and grey, while yellow and pink are good options, especially during the first five years of a marriage.

Pictures: Beautiful pictures of couples are great sources for feelings of togetherness. However, paintings of war, incomplete human or animal forms, scavengers etc. can inculcate negative energies, hence they should be avoided.
 
Mirrors: Be it for decoration or a utility purpose, a mirror should not be placed opposite to the foot of the bed, particularly while you
you are sleeping. It can encourage arguments and feelings of infidelity due to a split in the energy.
 
Though looking at your self in the mirror while having sex can be rejuvenating. So, the moment you decide to sleep, just move the mirror or cover it with a curtain.
 
Flowers: Fresh flowers, especially roses are great mood boosters, so go ahead and let them create the magic for you.
Candles: Placing an aromatic candle in the South-East direction allows love energies to flow in.
 
Do's & Don't's
  1. Keeping fruits like grapes and pomegranate into the bedroom can add to the stimulus of love.
  2. Chinese signs called Mystic knots work well to pep up your sex life, when placed in the South-West direction.
  3. Avoid any beam/column in the ceiling just above your bed as it sucks out the energy. One way for "lifting" this effect energetically is to hang bells from beams or slanted ceilings. If not, they can also be de-energised by special energy shields.
  4. Avoid keeping any source of water near the head of the bed. Be it a glass full of water or a painting of water fall...all kinds of water-y things should be kept away.
  5. The bedroom should be used only for the purpose it is meant for. Keep all other activities away from it.
  6. All of us store different energies inside us. So don't welcome any stranger in your bedroom as it is a private place and can be easily affected by the stranger's negative or diseased energies.
  7. Don't keep any pickle or sour thing in the bedroom.
  8. Pointed and sharp edged objects like a knife, scissors etc. should be kept away from the bedroom to make it conducive for the purpose it is meant for. Source:timesofindia.indiatimes.com