Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay Rs 1,000/- for every fuk!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others Rs 2,500/-"
Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"
Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency.
Angry maid says, " atleast am better than you in bed."
Lady (amzed): " Did sahab tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."
What is common between a passionate kiss and a spider?
" Both lead to the undoing of the fly".
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
Eve: " Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: " No, I don't."
Eve (crying): " Then why did you make love to me?"
Adam: " Hello!!! As if I had other choices."
A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?"
She sayz: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."
25 useless things in a man:
20 nails
02 nipples that don't milk
02 balls that you cannot play with. &
01 cock that does not lay egg.
Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are left unfucked how would feel?
Policeman arrested a prostitute?
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo.
Life is like a penis?
Sometimes up, sometimes down,
Sometimes hard, sometimes soft,
Sometimes big, sometimes small,
Sometimes in, sometimes out,
So ENJOY penis? oooooops ENJOY LIFE.
Poem for Entertainment - Fact File
What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage, she suspects her man. &
After his death, she respects him.
Why are married women fatter than single one's?
Singles come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed;
whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed & go to the fridge.
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?
All couples have different phases of sex life:
Age 20 - din raat
Age 28 - roz raat
Age 38 - jumme raat
Age 48 - chandni raat
Age 58 - only jat
statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.
HOW TRUE!!!
What did newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
"Fuk you and your law of gravity, I'm goin UP."
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage, she suspects her man. &
After his death, she respects him.
Why are married women fatter than single one's?
Singles come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed;
whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed & go to the fridge.
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?
All couples have different phases of sex life:
Age 20 - din raat
Age 28 - roz raat
Age 38 - jumme raat
Age 48 - chandni raat
Age 58 - only jat
statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.
HOW TRUE!!!
What did newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
"Fuk you and your law of gravity, I'm goin UP."
Poem for Entertainment
4 miracles of a woman:
getting wet without taking a shower
bleeding without getting hurt
giving milk without eating grass
and making boneless flesh hard
Splash News:
At last a new generation napkin made specially to satisfy women,
Introducing new whisper with finger, keeps you wet even if you are dry.
1st fact of life: garib aur boobs hamesha dabte hain.
2nd fact of life: musibat aur dick kahin bhi khade ho sakte hain.
3rd fact of life: kismat aur bra kahin bhi khul sakti hain.
Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9" - oh shit pain!
# 7" - oh yes, yum!
# 6" - oh perfect!
# 5" - mmm ok!
# 4" - push more!
# 3" - is it in?
# 2" - idiot! Just use your tongue?
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
getting wet without taking a shower
bleeding without getting hurt
giving milk without eating grass
and making boneless flesh hard
Splash News:
At last a new generation napkin made specially to satisfy women,
Introducing new whisper with finger, keeps you wet even if you are dry.
1st fact of life: garib aur boobs hamesha dabte hain.
2nd fact of life: musibat aur dick kahin bhi khade ho sakte hain.
3rd fact of life: kismat aur bra kahin bhi khul sakti hain.
Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9" - oh shit pain!
# 7" - oh yes, yum!
# 6" - oh perfect!
# 5" - mmm ok!
# 4" - push more!
# 3" - is it in?
# 2" - idiot! Just use your tongue?
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Oscars for "Slumdog" - India Shining
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Los Angeles, Feb 23 (PTI): A R Rahman today became the first Indian to win two Oscars for his scintillating music in "Slumdog Millionaire" which swept the Academy awards winning eight with one going to sound engineer Resul Pookutty. "Slumdog Millionaire", a rags to riches story of a Mumbai slum dweller, who goes on to win USD 20 million in a quiz show, was adjudged the best film. It also fetched Danny Boyle the Best Director award, Simon Beaufoy best Adapted Screenplay and Anthony Dod Mantle the best Cinematography award. The film was also awarded for Best Editing. A beaming 43 year old Rahman said: "Before coming here I was excited and terrified. The last time I felt that way was when I was getting married. "There is a Hindi dialogue 'mere pass Ma hai' which means even if I have got nothing I have my mother here. I want to thank her for coming all the way to support me," Chennai born Rahman said in his acceptance speech after bagging the Original Score Oscar. The foottapping number 'Jai ho', with lyrics by Gulzar, was adjudged the Best Song. Pookutty, who hails from Kerala's Kollam district, received the award for Best Sound Mixing with corecordists Ian Tapp and Richard Pryke. Smile Pinki, a 39-minute short film in Hindi and Bhojpuri, directed by Emmy-nominated producer Megan Mylan also won the best documentary short subject Oscar.
OSCAR WINNERS 1. Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire 2. Directing - Slumdog Millionaire 3. Music ( Song) - Slumdog Millionaire 4. Music(Score) - Slumdog Millionaire 5. Film Editing - Slumdog Millionaire 6. Cinematography - Slumdog Millionaire 7. Writing ( Adapted Screenplay) -Slumdog Millionaire 8. Sound Mixing - Slumdog Millionaire 9. Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role 10. Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role 11. Best Foreign Language Film of the Year 12. Achievement in Sound Editing 13. Achievement in Visual Effects 14. Best Documentary Short Subject 15. Best Documentary Feature 16. Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role 17. Best Live Action Short Film 18. Achievement in Makeup 19. Achievement in Costume Design 20. Achievement in Art Direction 21. Best Animated Short Film 22.Best Animated Feature Film of the Year 23.Original Screenplay 24. Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role |
Source:telegraphindia.com
Chilly Question & Ans
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Great One Liners
1. Regular naps prevent old age... Especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... But whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books
Find out Your Sunshine
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
DO'S
Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arien, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DON'TS
Do not tell an Aries that s/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smouldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S
Stability and dependability characterise Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of colour and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS
Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S
Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humour will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS
Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current.
Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S
Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS
Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realise that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
Leo (Sep 22 - Oct23)
DO'S
If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be centre of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS
Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S
Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. Howver, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasise more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realise that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DON'TS
Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the centre stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S
Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DON'TS
Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Novr 21)
DO'S
Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS
Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unawares. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S
Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS
Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S
Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their colour. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS
Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided.
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S
Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS
Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S
Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DON'TS
Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).
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